What If There’s More Help Than You Think? Learning To Spot When People Are Offering Assistance
Many of us have had a friend who was oblivious. They need someone to explain to them, “That cute person who just left the cafe was clearly flirting with you.” Of course, some of us have occasionally been that delightfully clueless person.
This oddly charming experience is pretty common, but it also points to something deeper, something that impacts business and organizational leaders: People around us are often offering help, guidance and partnership but in ways that we may not pick up on. Put more simply, people want to do something good on our behalf, but we’re missing it.
So, how do we learn to tune into the kind offers others are making?
Here are three suggested places to begin.
1. Pay Attention to What Is Mandatory and What Is Voluntary
In most interactions, there are things that convention and decorum demand: You order a coffee, and the barista asks, “What size?” This is a mandated part of the experience and holds no hidden message.
But consider when a colleague says, “The initiative you mentioned in the meeting sounds smart. I’ve got some background in that area. Let me know if you ever want to chat about it.” All too often, busy people will interpret this as a minor compliment, respond, “Really appreciate it,” and move on with their lives.
What if you didn’t, though?
No one has to say nice things. Speaking with kindness is always voluntary. So, what if you responded, “Really appreciate it. I’d love your help. Can I buy us coffee and learn from you about that?”
From experience, I can tell you that cup of coffee can lead to breakthrough success.
2. Pay Attention to the Things That Seem Like They’re Out of Left Field
A fortunate person is surrounded by friends and colleagues with diverse interests and areas of expertise. And often, this leads to invitations or introductions to new worlds. For me, everything from sailing to social activism to major career moves has begun with friends and associates inviting me into terrain I’d not previously considered.
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But those invitations are rarely worded in an unmistakable way (e.g., “You should learn how to golf! It will help your career. Now is the right time. I will teach you.”). Instead, these offers are usually far more subtle:
“We go sailing occasionally. Fun hobby. Ever been?”
Or “I was at a nonprofit board meeting recently, and the discussion reminded me of a conversation you and I had.”
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Or “Do I recall that you enjoy the occasional cigar? I’m known to host cigar nights from time to time.”
In each case, there is — quite likely — an implicit invitation in these statements and questions. We are being offered entrance to a new pastime, pursuit or community. But we must notice that this might be more than idle conversation.
Yes, it would be simpler and easier if someone would just say, “I have observed your skills, interests and personality. On that basis, I encourage you to join me for a new experience that will benefit you.” But, often, that sentiment is expressed as something like, “I’m a little sore from playing squash. It’s really fun! Ever try it?”
(Dear reader, you should try it.)
3. Pay Attention to Repetition
Outside of very specific environments (the military, for example), few people will announce that they are giving you sorely needed advice. Most situations are simply not set up to support that degree of frank discourse.
That’s why one of the strongest forms of emphasis is simple repetition. In other words, when people really care about something, they often say it more than once.
Many people who want to help are sensitive to not “forcing” help or guidance onto others. And so, offers of help often come at oblique angles. Further, the offers are shaded to be ignorable so that the recipient can politely refuse. (This, in a social sense, protects the dignity of both parties.)
So, people who want to help often find ways to repeat themes or subtle offers: The friend who works in HR and keeps talking about the importance of updating one’s resume. Or the accomplished musician who regularly asks how your goal of learning the guitar is going. Or the leader at work who has mentioned multiple times that they admire your presentation skills.
If people in your life are repeating themselves, it’s worth asking if this might be an invitation to further discussion. What would it mean for you to say “yes” to that invitation?
Don’t Let Fear of Embarrassment Stop You
The last piece of the puzzle is this: Our “oblivious” friend (the one who can’t seem to tell if they were being flirted with) may not really be all that oblivious. Rather, they may be aware that rejection is painful and being passive is easy. And most of us can relate to those sentiments.
Because many kind offers are subtle, there can be a risk in viewing them as an invitation. What if we’re wrong? What if we say, “Sailing sounds fun! Let me know if you ever have room for a stowaway,” and we receive a weird look and an, “Uh, OK …” in response?
Yet, even with these risks, the truth is that help, guidance and invitations to new worlds are often waiting for us — if we’re prepared to take a chance and see offers where we have not previously. Sure, we may misjudge things from time to time, but, often, willingness to suffer momentary embarrassment is the seed funding required for a full and beautiful life. And feeling the wind in your hair as you sail the Great Lakes with new friends is an awfully strong return on that investment.